-I love this woman. I LOVE THIS WOMAN, Cooperstown.

-No you don’t Jerry. He doesn’t. It’s an act everyone. You’re such a moron Jerry. He’s a moron. Terrible act.

-I’m not lying folks. Look at her! Isn’t she a gem?

-1958 Jerry?

-No, it’s the here and now, and I’m just appreciating what I see.

-He’s a complete moron everybody. We’ll try to have a better show for you tomorrow, okay? GOOD DAY COOPERSTOWN.

-Another blockbuster Margaret!

-No, Jerry, it wasn’t a blockbuster. You know I hate ending the show like that.

-Are you kidding me? It’s great! We’ve got the entire Hudson Valley. BUFFALO, Margaret. We have no business being in Buffalo. But they love us. We’re beginning to make real money, Marge.

-Don’t call me Marge.

-Are you worried about Todd? Look, I respect your marriage. You know it’s all an act.

-I wonder, Jerry.

-I KNOW Todd is okay with it. GET TODD ON THE PHONE. We’ll ll have a little chat. I’m positive that Todd’s okay with this.

-NO- DON’T GET TODD ON THE PHONE. You are not talking to Todd, Jerry! You are such a jerk. You think you’re all little league with Todd- you’re not. Did it ever cross your mind Jer that-

-Don’t call me Jer.

-Very funny. You know, maybe Todd isn’t 100% okay with your little crush, that people see every morning, by-the-way. EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are so self-centered, so annoying. Didn’t you ever get beat up as a child?

-I did, you know I did, and I don’t appreciate that Margaret.

-You are a little boy.

-You’re a beautiful woman, Margaret. I admit that. Is that so bad?

-Yes, it is that bad Jerry. It’s tacky, and it’s not professional.

-Margaret! It’s an act! C’mon! We started in COOPERTOWN. An extremely local show that shouldn’t have ever begun, and now we’re the biggest morning duo in the Hudson Valley. We have Buffalo! We have no business having Buffalo. No business. All in less than four years. You should be enjoying this. The viewers love my crush Margaret.

-I dispute that.

-There’s no dispute Margaret- KENNNNNNN!

-I’m not going over reports with Ken right now, Jerry.

-I appreciate you that’s all. Like every single person on this set. You’re a work of art, I acknowledge it, and the viewers love it. It’s OKAY Margaret. It’s an act. People like it because it’s authentic. I’m taking the appreciation of your beauty, and I put it in a little bottle when we’re on camera and when the show’s over I go home and you take your healthy paycheck to Todd and everyone is fine. It’s very professional. It’s almost the definition of professional, at least with respect to the arts. It is art, Margaret.

-Well, what about now Jerry? Maybe the bottle is leaking a bit? The show’s over.

-You brought this up Margaret.

-You force the issue.

-You know how I go on about cars, Ferraris?

-Of course. Nobody likes it when you talk about cars. Our demographic deplores Ferrari’s. The youth and the older ladies- it’s almost surgical, Jerry. Never talk about cars again please.

-Right, and they’re nothing compared to you. Cars. They’re metal. They’re like paper, like trash. Your beauty is what people see when they see you. It’s what people see when you’re in a room with a hundred others. They see your beauty, it trumps everything else. It is THE thing when you are present. That’s just the way it is Margaret. And everyone, all their conversations about Vermont, it’s just filler. No real talk happens. Speak defaults to vacation homes, ratings, the show. The talk is on cruise control while you’re in the corner of everyone’s eye. That’s the way it’s been since you were put on Earth Margaret. It’s not healthy to deny it so much.

-It’s weird when you talk like that.

-I don’t think do. I recognize the brightest light in the room, while everyone else pretends it’s not. Every single person on this set. And all the viewers at home. I say the things they feel, and wish they could say. It’s the most natural thing. Something is beautiful; one feels the urge to express it. It’s silly, but it’s true. And I’m just letting people know that it’s okay to acknowledge one of the most gorgeous women on the planet right now. How natural was it that you got this job? Art History, Margaret? C’mon. You fell into this like a feather to the ground. And the ratings went through the roof, immediately. You are the world’s best, and they want to see you. Not just your face, but they want to hear stories about your Dad, and yeah, even Todd. They want to hear you make fun of me, to correct my grammar, and to tell me to shut up about Ferraris. They want any glimpse they can get. Cameras gravitated to you Margaret, you’re supposed to be seen and loved. It’s so natural. And I’m just doing my job when I acknowledge these things. I found something that works. It’s a JOB. A job, Margaret. It’s OKAY. Very professional.


-And you’re absolutely FRIGID, remember? That’s the other part of it, isn’t it? You deny, you’re dismissive and you remind me at every turn that you are married. You’re playing a good wife. It’s harmless.

-I’m not playing Jerry.


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