March 28th 2016 Oblivious Review
By Stephen Depper
First off, Politics:
Ted Cruz and Trump argue about their wives. Teddy sounds really frightening. Not. Hilary Clinton’s strategy seems to pretend like Bernie isn’t gaining momentum. Her people are given loaded phrases to tell the press like “How she wins the nomination, not if.” I don’t like it.
To sum up, Rubio is out of the race officially. Teddy “No Ball Game” Cruz maintains his One on a scale of One-To-Bernie. Governor Kasich remains a “High Two.” (He’d be about a five if he didn’t endorse the theoretical Republican Nominee Trump.) Trump himself is a One, obviously. Hilary dropped from Six to Five. Bernie remains a Bernie. He remains a Bernie as he gains momentum. Here is a link to the video of President Bernie and the bird.
That’s that. Election stuff is BOOOOOO-RING. We’re really here today to talk about some of the most beautiful women in the world- Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, of course.
…Heyyyyyy, My agent Jon told me that you wanted an interview?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Right, so let’s go. I have like five minutes-Two Minutes Hannnah!-Make that two minutes.
…Alrighty, so, who do you write for?
Whom do you write for, not who.
Okay buddy. WOW- Ohmygosh, guys, I think this underwear blogger corrected my grammar!–No he did not! What a loser! What was it, what did you say?-Whom. Who/Whom. As if I give a care!!!
…I write for a blog called destructooblivion.com.
EXCUSE ME??? Guys, someone, look up destructo- HEY! HEY BLOGGER! UNDERWEAR BLOGGER BOY, What is it again?
de-struct-o-ob-liv-ee-on dot com? WOW! Are you serious?
WOW. What’s it about? What? Wait WHAT? Hold on minute? This is it? This wordpress thing? OH MY GOSH. This is Hilarious! Ohhhhhh, FAAAAAN-CEEE, isn’t it?! I love this simple layout. I think he’s going for “Early Internet.” Ohmylord. Lordy Lordy. Poor guy! I bet he lives with his mother! Wow. Nice graphics and user interface. Did you just say USER INTERFACE? Shut up! You Shut up! O-M-G, this guy is delusional. A real piece of work. Ohmygosh!–
So, um what’s it like being-
What? I can’t believe this! He probably wears boxers. What are you saying?
What’s it like being a-
Hang on.. not YOU, Ummm…I don’t know. Hannah D is gonna get back to me. She and Derek want me and Drew to go to Vermont with them this weekend. VERMONT? Yeah, Veromont…I don’t know. I don’t know. AHHHHH! I need someone, some GUY to buy me Spotify Premium. Why don’t you do it, Maggie? WHAT??? ME??? Hannah, I’m not going to pay for it! I think you have the money! Well I can’t pay for Spotify! I just can’t do it. I don’t know why Drew hasn’t gotten it for you if you won’t get it yourself and you want it so bad. OHMYGOSH! What?! What? Calm down Crazy Face! You’re crazy! No no no! I think that Underwear Blogger is still on your phone Hannah! OHMYGOSH HAHAHAHAHA! WOW! Do you think he heard-oh who cares he’s just some nobody. He HAS GOT to wear boxers. A million bucks-
Stephen emailed me this piece. I assume that’s how he wants to end it. Seems like his conversation was cut short.
Alrighty, just wanted to add “legal formality” here. The photos in this were used without permission, but to be fair, Stephen intentionally spared the more provocative images in order to whet the audience’s appetite. This is like “promotional.” You know, so the “reader” goes out and purchases the magazine, or visits the website. I’m a spirit-of-the-law-guy, know what I mean? We’re all on the same team! Anyway, great article Stephen, keep up the good work!