Oblivious Review, vol 2

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  March 28th 2016 Oblivious Review
By Stephen Depper

First off, Politics:

Ted Cruz and Trump argue about their wives. Teddy sounds really frightening. Not. Hilary Clinton’s strategy seems to pretend like Bernie isn’t gaining momentum. Her people are given loaded phrases to tell the press like “How she wins the nomination, not if.” I don’t like it.

To sum up, Rubio is out of the race officially. Teddy “No Ball Game” Cruz maintains his One on a scale of One-To-Bernie. Governor Kasich remains a “High Two.” (He’d be about a five if he didn’t endorse the theoretical Republican Nominee Trump.) Trump himself is a One, obviously. Hilary dropped from Six to Five. Bernie remains a Bernie. He remains a Bernie as he gains momentum. Here is a link to the video of President Bernie and the bird.

Okay.

That’s that. Election stuff is BOOOOOO-RING. We’re really here today to talk about some of the most beautiful women in the world- Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, of course.

Hailey Clauson

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Hailey made the cover. She’s really good looking.

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“Hotter than sin” Elder Summers would say.

Gigi Hadid

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Holy cow. Her name is Gigi, but when you look like this, every name in the book works, am I right? Her name might as well be Harold. Ain’t make no difference.
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GOODNESS GiGi!!!
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Believe it or not, Gigi is very photogenic.
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So, uh, Gigi, uh…hey, are you um.. Oh man.aklkj yeah okay goodbye.

 

Kelly Rohrbach

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HELLO!!!

Chanel Iman

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She’s pretty dang perfect. Her face is perfect. Her body is perfect without getting into too much detail.
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Here is Chanel with a couple of snakes. No big deal.

Kate Bock

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Miss Bock is staggeringly beautiful. I really like her eyes. Her body is also something else.
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I could easily imagine a scenario wherein Kate and I are dating. Not anymore, now that I’ve thought about it for a second. It just occurred to me that I am a loser and that Kate Bock gets to pick whomever she wants. Dang it.

Chrissy Tiegen

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I love Chrissy Tiegen, I really do.
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Same as Kate, I could envision Chrissy as my girlfriend in a universe where I wasn’t such a big loser, lol.

Nina Agdal

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Oh man Oh man Oh man. Nina. Holy cow. Holy cow. Hollllllly cow. Nina Nina Nina. Nina might be the most beautiful girl in the world.
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This Danish-born pile of perfection. I honestly think she is perfect. Her face. Everything else (trust me.)
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When I did some “research” for this “review” I learned that Nina was actually frightened by these turtles, but she braved through it. Wanna get married Nina?
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Goodness gracious Nina. Geez. A while back, Nina instagrammed the world her bum while she bemoaned a sudden dearth of pants. Can’t find your pants, eh Nina? One of the most successful, staggeringly beautiful models in the universe who is given fancy clothing at rates that make it difficult for her to give it all away, can’t find her pants. She can’t find her pants or underwear or shirt, nothing. Shoes, nothing. It’s all gone. Maybe it was the One-Armed Man. I simultaneously love and hate Nina. Which means I mostly just love Nina. I don’t really hate her at all. Only a criminally insane person has ire for Nina.
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Nina will never be my wife or girlfriend or anything like that, which is a huge bummer. Huge huge bummer.

Hannah Ferguson

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New York Yankee Great Derek Jeter has Hannah Davis. I have Hannah Ferguson.
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Hannah F is my girl. She’s not my girl actually. She’s dating a huge, athletic type. 6’5″ specimens show up on all these ladies’ instagrams. (We do serious research here in Oblivion) To be honest, the men do vary in size. Some look like linebackers while others would be more suited to play tight end or even safety. (Safety-sized suitors better bring the charm and some bills, sayin? I mean look at whom were dealing with.)
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Goodness Hannah! It’s not prudent to cal Hannah my girl regardless of the fact that she’s dating a Gronkowski, as my girl is a possessive phrase and not progressive. Be progressive, not possessive. I just came up with that. Another reason to love Hannah F.
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She is so staggeringly beautiful. Really pretty. Really really pretty. Her body- also really good. Super good. Believe me on that. She looks good.

 

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There she is on a horse. I love it. Hmmm. What else? She’s from Texas-Oh, holy cow, SHE’S CALLING ME! Or her agent or somebody! I emailed all of these women asking for interviews for the blog. No responses- UNTIL NOW!!! And it’s Hannah Ferguson! Heck yeah!!!

 

STEPHEN (ME)
Hello?

HANNAH
…Heyyyyyy, My agent Jon told me that you wanted an interview?

ME
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah, that’s a good idea.

HANNAH
Right, so let’s go. I have like five minutes-Two Minutes Hannnah!-Make that two minutes.

ME
Yeah, okay…

HANNAH
…Alrighty, so, who do you write for?

ME
Whom.

HANNAH
What?

ME
Whom do you write for, not who.

HANNAH
Okay buddy. WOW- Ohmygosh, guys, I think this underwear blogger corrected my grammar!–No he did not! What a loser! What was it, what did you say?-Whom. Who/Whom. As if I give a care!!!

ME
…I write for a blog called destructooblivion.com.

HANNAH
EXCUSE ME??? Guys, someone, look up destructo- HEY! HEY BLOGGER! UNDERWEAR BLOGGER BOY, What is it again?

ME
…destructooblivion.com

HANNAH
de-struct-o-ob-liv-ee-on dot com? WOW! Are you serious?

ME
…yeah.

HANNAH
WOW. What’s it about? What? Wait WHAT? Hold on  minute? This is it? This wordpress thing? OH MY GOSH. This is Hilarious! Ohhhhhh, FAAAAAN-CEEE, isn’t it?! I love this simple layout. I think he’s going for “Early Internet.” Ohmylord. Lordy Lordy. Poor guy! I bet he lives with his mother! Wow. Nice graphics and user interface. Did you just say USER INTERFACE? Shut up! You Shut up! O-M-G, this guy is delusional. A real piece of work.  Ohmygosh!

ME
So, um what’s it like being-

HANNAH
What? I can’t believe this! He probably wears boxers. What are you saying?

ME
What’s it like being a-

HANNAH
Hang on.. not YOU, Ummm…I don’t know. Hannah D is gonna get back to me. She and Derek want me and Drew to go to Vermont with them this weekend. VERMONT? Yeah, Veromont…I don’t know. I don’t know. AHHHHH! I need someone, some GUY to buy me Spotify Premium. Why don’t you do it, Maggie? WHAT??? ME??? Hannah, I’m not going to pay for it! I think you have the money! Well I can’t pay for Spotify! I just can’t do it. I don’t know why Drew hasn’t gotten it for you if you won’t get it yourself and you want it so bad. OHMYGOSH! What?! What? Calm down Crazy Face! You’re crazy! No no no! I think that Underwear Blogger is still on your phone Hannah! OHMYGOSH HAHAHAHAHA! WOW! Do you think he heard-oh who cares he’s just some nobody. He HAS GOT to wear boxers. A million bucks-

Editor’s note:
Stephen emailed me this piece. I assume that’s how he wants to end it. Seems like his conversation was cut short.

Alrighty, just wanted to add “legal formality” here. The photos in this were used without permission, but to be fair, Stephen intentionally spared the more provocative images in order to whet the audience’s appetite. This is like “promotional.” You know, so the “reader” goes out and purchases the magazine, or visits the website. I’m a spirit-of-the-law-guy, know what I mean? We’re all on the same team! Anyway, great article Stephen, keep up the good work!

-Aaron

 

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